


Oblivion x And x Light

by hensei



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Chairman Election Arc, Fluff and Angst, Lots of Angst Actually, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-07-12 14:17:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7108639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hensei/pseuds/hensei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Gon," Nanika croaked. It scares him, Nanika has never called anyone else by name except his. "will not," she continues, light already emanating from Gon's body. "remember Killua." She finishes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. voices

**Author's Note:**

> When I watched the part where Gon gets healed, Morel's statement of "Don't tell Gon about Killua healing him," actually came off to me as Gon-doesn't-remember-Killua. And then Killua was _never_ mentioned. And Gon drops it like it was nothing but I honestly thought that's what happened. Also because I thought there should atleast be a consequence on Killua's wish. This was also inspired by Meruem forgetting Komugi, after all, it was pretty much the same. (The explosion, and sacrifice to save someone).
> 
> (Anyway, first time writing a fic, hope you enjoy~)

 

 

**Oblivion**

 

 

 

_one_

 

Last thing he remembers is blood, everywhere. A broken arm, and...so much pain. Blinding, hot white pain that didn't seem to matter. 

 

_I don't care if this is the end._

 

Someone calling his name. Someone...

Who was it?

 

"Gon!" Bisky wraps her arm around him, Gon still a little dazed wraps a lame arm around her. He looks at her, trying to remember if she always wore her hair like that.

"I don't know what to say. You made everyone so worried." She says in her teacher voice, all the annoyance obvious but the concern wasn't hidden.  

"Sorry." Gon can only say. He only had a clue on what happened. 

Then Morel was patting him, saying he was glad he's okay. And there was Hanzo, and Melody, and a lot of people he came to know. They gave him this warmth on his face, Gon was actually flustered to feel this cared for.

But it felt like everyone was hiding something. They were smiling, some with tears shining their eyes. But there was a look. Bisky had it, for a split second when Gon told her he missed her. Morel tried to cough it off, but Gon caught it when he asked if he can get out now.

"You need another...hour of rest Gon. Just enough to get you back on your feet." Morel said then. And he looked sad. Morel also told him about Kite, which made the whole process harder, with Gon wanting to see him as soon as possible.

Then they were all asked to wait outside, doctors were piling around Gon, looking at him like he was made of gold. 

They cleaned him, blood was still somehow on his skin but he had no injuries. The bandages around him were changed into a clean shirt and pants. They removed the tubes connected to him, giving Gon more comfort. 

 

The room reeked of medicine...and death. Gon could smell it. Before he blacked out, he remembers the smell of blood in his hands...the smell of death...and...

 

What was it?

 

Prickling...and a source of light.

 

It made his head hurt to remember. 

 

 

 

_two_

"Gon Freeccs, you can go now." A nurse tells him. Gon jumps from the bed and runs to his friends. 

He didn't know what was missing. He wanted to ask...but how was he supposed to if he didn't really know what was bothering him.

As they lead Gon outside —  _taking you to Leorio_ Morel says — Gon sees the sun, its heat like a missing piece. It felt like he went a whole year without it. 

 

His head hurts again. Light somehow triggering something inside him. That dark night, and a single source of light...

 

Gon knew Leorio, but couldn't really remember his face. He knew he was tall and made silly arguments all the time.

 

But when Gon saw him, he knew it was him.

A short reunion of tears and hugs and a long, long stretch of Gon seeing his father.

He was at a cafe now, with Leorio. Talking about stuff he missed.

"I...can't remember much. Just...I knew I was fighting and...I killed—I—" Leorio touches Gon's wrist.

"It's okay Gon. I'm sorry. Please forget what I said. Try not to think too much. Atleast take it slow." There was a glint of hope in Leorio's eyes, like he was waiting for Gon to say something, or remember...something.

"Leorio..." Gon drags out. Leorio felt like the person he should tell about this.

"Yeah?" Leorio carefully answers like he was threading on thin ice.

"I... I can't get my head around it but... I mean.. I remember most of that night but there was something else—" Gon is startled by a teacup dropped on a plate.

"S-sorry. Go on?" Leorio answers, wiping the spilled tea. 

"Y-yeah. There was something else. Something...bright." He says. What was it? 

 

_Gon!_

Gon is hit with a searing headache. He seethes, clutching his temple. 

"It hurts...it hurts to remember. But..it's there."

Leorio looked liked he saw a ghost, or Gon turned into a ghost... "Gon. Don't overdo it. If you think about it too much, you will hurt yourself. You just recovered you know? T-take it easy alright?" Leorio sounded like a robot, pulling up his doctor attitude, but even then he was sweating, like he was hiding a secret.

"Leorio, you would tell me if you knew something about it, right?" Gon's eyes were trusting as always, he didn't want to think Leorio was hiding anything from him. But...if Leorio had to keep it from him, there has to be a reason.

"Y-yeah. Ofcourse Gon." He says, taking a small sip from his tea.

Gon sighs. He wanted to have fun, but he couldn't. He was meeting Kite too, that should be a good thing. But it did nothing to the missing he felt.

 

Try not to dwell on it...

How was he supposed to? It was like ignoring a bleeding wound. 

And so Gon tries to smile and _not dwell on it too much._  The hardest thing he had to do in a while.

 

_three_

"Tsk. What is up with this guy." Leorio says for the fifth time, having called Kurapika so many times that Gon lost count.

"Maybe Kurapika's busy, Leorio."

"I know. But he shouldn't be when you're recovered. He doesn't even know what happened—" Leorio clears his throat. "Sorry." 

"It's okay. It doesn't hurt, just when I try to remember that one thing—"

"Gon—"

 

_GON!_

He's hit again, more pain this time, like a scream that tears through flesh and sanity. Gon grimaced but he tried not to show it too much, but eventually he had to clutch his head, trying to not move it lest the pain comes back. 

"Again. There it is again." Gon says in a sob. Leorio's sweating bullets now, trying to get something out of his bag.

"Gon, please, don't think about it so much."

"I heard it Leorio—a voice. It's familiar, it's — "

 

Last thing Gon remembers is Leorio calling out his name, and the pain.

Then everything was black.

 

* * *


	2. beyond sacrifice

**Light**  

 

_one_

 

 

  
_"_ Please...Nanika, please heal Gon." He couldn't take it, his stomach twisted in knots of fear, anxiety, and sadness. Killua's eyes were stark blue despite the low light, his eyes puffy, with tears teetering over the edge. 

 

"Aye." Nanika tells him, with the same face she puts everytime she grants a wish. He knew there shouldn't be a big consequence. If there was...if there was...he'll fix it, he'll clean it. 

 

"Gon," Nanika croaked. It scares him, Nanika has never called anyone else by name except his. "will not," she continues, light already eminating from Gon's body. "remember Killua." She finishes. 

 

Killua's voice is caught in his throat. Silence. Numbness. His tears finally giving out, sliding on porcelain skin, landing on bedsheets riddled with dried blood.

 

It was too late to stop it now. But even if he could, he wouldn't. 

 

Gon would be okay. Nothing else mattered.

 


	3. decisions

 

 

 

**Oblivion**  

_four_

 

  
_"He's remembering something...yes... I... yes I will. I'm sorry."_ Whispers.

" _Kurapika? You....answered..."_ He couldn't hear everything. It was dull, and muted, but his sharp as ever senses helped. Leorio sounded like he was outside Gon's room.

" _What? No... You're coming? Yes. He should be okay now."_ Gon shuts his eyes, feeling lightheaded. He was in a hospital room again, but this time, there were no tubes, or bandages, just him laying in a bed.  A glass of water stands in waiting, Gon drinks it, feeling a little bit better.

Why did he blackout? Again? He couldn't remember. Not remembering was too frustrating. Gon exhales, and before he even releases his breath, the door opens.

"Gon! You okay?" Leorio rushes to his side, phone still on his ears.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Gon sits up, taking a more comfortable position. Leorio observes him then nods to himself.

"Yeah, Gon's here." He puts the phone on speaker, laying it down on the nightstand.

"Gon?" Kurapika says, Gon perks up, it's been such a long time.

"Kurapika!" He says, all honest enthusiasm was back on his voice, which made Leorio smile.

"Hey. How you holding up?" Kurapika's voice was careful, calculating as ever. Leorio had warned him about what happened. And things he shouldn't say.

"I'm fine. Where are you?"

"I'm...somewhere underground. I have a new boss and everything. Pretty complicated. But I can visit tomorrow, think you can wait for me?" Gon was supposed to go to Kite tomorrow, he looks at Leorio, asking if it was fine.

"I already talked to Morel and Knov about it, it's fine. They already rescheduled your travel for Saturday." Leorio gives him a reassuring smile.

"Perfect! I'll see you then, Kurapika!" Gon was smiling, smiling now. Just like how he normally is.

"Okay. I'll see you both. Take care Gon. Don't strain yourself."

The call ends. Gon is buzzing with excitement. He missed Kurapika a lot and being with Leorio would complete their gang.

Right?

His head throbbed.

Leorio notices Gon's pensive stare.

"Hey Gon, let's grab some lunch eh?" Gon nods, scrambling to get out of bed so fast he tripped on the sheets.

"Jeez, easy." Gon was laughing.

"It's a race! Whoever gets there first will treat the loser!"Gon announces, running his feet without moving. Leorio laughs. Feeling his back.

"You could be younger Gon, doesn't mean I'll go easy on you!" They run and run.

 

_Goal!_

_Neh, Satotz-san, who was faster?_

 

Gon pauses, letting Leorio take a lead.

"What's wrong kid? Lose your confidence to these legs?" Leorio says, his voice fading as he increases the distance between them.

Gon shakes his head, "Not a chance!" and runs off to his friend.

 

It doesn't matter. They say don't dwell on it right? It will only hurt him...

 

Right?

 

 

 

 

 

_five_

Kurapika arrived at 2 in the morning. He came to Leorio dozing off on the couch beside Gon's bed. Gon looked fine. He looked normal. What Leorio told him about what Gon did felt more like a fairy tale than a real thing. Because Gon was okay, and healthy and fine. Not the wrinkling, bloody, unrecognizable husk he was that Leorio told him about.

_Just what did you two go through?_  

He thinks to himself. He sets the small bag he brought with him, enough for a two day stay. He shakes Leorio awake, a few tries but he did it. Leorio choking on his own drool, not even recognizing Kurapika until he spoke.

"Outside." He whispers to the taller man. Leorio smooths his clothes and follows the blond.

They close the door, and Leorio leans on the wall.

"Not here. Gon might hear." Kurapika says. Leorio swallows and nods. He's been talking to Kurapika all day yesterday and he didn't think Gon could hear him. 

They enter Leorio's office, locking it behind them. Kurapika closed the shutters and blinds. Not even bothering to turn on a light, the room had a quiet, melancholic feel. Kurapika slams his hand on the desk Leorio sat in. 

"What happened?" He demands. Leorio only told him about the fight and Gon's state, not a lot.

"Relax, sit down." Leorio tells him. Kurapika manages, sitting on the chair in front of Leorio's desk gritting teeth all the while. Rage and regret is bubbling on his throat. 

"I've already told you about the Chimera Ants, and how Gon exchanged everything for a moment's boost of power." Kurapika nods. "He was willing to sacrifice everything, the pinnacle of strength he reached is unbelievable. No one should be able to live from that." Leorio's voice shakes from the last sentence. 

"But he's okay. He's _fine._ How? It's something to do with not mentioning Killua to him, isn't it?" Leorio only looks at him, his eyes focused and his expression more serious than Kurapika ever saw him. 

"Yeah." Leorio furrows his brows. "Kurapika, Killua sacrificed a lot." Kurapika leans away from Leorio, resting his elbows on his legs, burrowing his face on his hands. 

"We should've been there."

Silence.

"We should've been there, Leorio."

"I know." 

"Killua...he...what did he do?" Leorio shakes his head.

"He has a sister, she grants wishes." Leorio tells him, everything about Nanika. It was classified information, a pact formed between him and Killua to never mention to anyone. But Kurapika was an exception. 

"...and Killua exchanged their memories to save Gon." He finishes. Kurapika not moving an inch from his position.

"Damn it." He whispers. "Gon doesn't remember?"

"He does." Kurapika looks up this time, grey orbs glistening with tears he's trying to hide. 

"What?" 

"He does," Leorio continues, arms crossed. "But it hurts him. He sees bits of memories, but if he even tries to remember or dwell on it, it hurts him."

"What? But...he remembers?" Leorio nods.

"Is he supposed to?"

"No. He should be completely erased of it. But he's not. For some reason." Leorio rests his elbows on the desk. "We've all agreed to not give any clue to Gon. It hurts him, Kurapika. He blacked out when he told me he was hearing someone's voice, that it was _familiar._ We can't let him remember Killua..." It hurts to say. It hurts to even think about it. But Leorio was a doctor, and in this, Gon's health was top priority.

"And Killua? You think it's not hurting him?" Kurapika was seething, from the guilt and the feelings the conversation has brought him.

"Killua is hurting the most. We all know that. But it doesn't mean—"

"This is bullshit." Kurapika cuts him short. "Gon would want to remember." 

"You think I don't know that?" Leorio's voice was calm, but hurt. "We're doing this for them. This is the best way. Gon's okay, Killua will cope. They..." His voice falters. "They only have to live lives without each other anymore."

Kurapika can only stare at his hands.

"Leorio, should we really go with that?"

"What? What choice do we have, Kurapika?" 

"I would want to remember. I would want to sacrifice the pain to remember, Leorio. And I'm not even slightly as determined as Gon is." They both knew that. It was a silent agreement, something they knew but never really talked out loud.

"Killua...he told me..." Leorio's voice was breaking now. Kurapika straightens up, this was it. The deal breaker.

"Not to mention anything about him to Gon. Even told me to not take Gon to places they've been at..." Tears were brimming Leorio's eyes, he tried to hide it with his glasses. "He...told me...the time they've spent together would be enough. It would be enough to cope, and that we shouldn't worry about him."

Kurapika held it in. 

"That he's ready to just keep Gon somewhere safe in his heart. And that, no matter what happens, they will always be friends."

 

 

 

_Six_

_"_ Goodmorning." Kurapika tells him. Sun shining down the blond, making her eyes look golden. Gon scratches his eyes, still a little sleepy. 

"Kurapika!" Gon tackles him into a hug. Kurapika giggled.

"Oh man. It's been a while!" Gon smiles, beaming beaming, it tugs on Kurapika's heart.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I've been...well, busy." He ruffles Gon's hair. Trying to think just how he's smiling so much from all he's been through. 

_That's your strength. To go through hell and smile the next day._

_"_ Hey. Breakfast." Leorio enters the room, holding a tray as he props the door open with his left leg. He settles down mushroom soup, orange juice, and some fried eggplant on Gon's bed tray. And the rest was set on the coffee table for Kurapika and himself. 

"Wha~? But I'm not sick. We should eat outside!" 

"Sorry Gon, we're leaving you for awhile. That okay?" Kurapika gives him an apolegetic smile.

"Ehhhh?? But Kurapika just got here." Gon pouts.

"Sorry Gon. We'll have lots of time after we're done." Kurapika smiles, ruffling Gon's hair.

"Where you going?" He says as he stuff his face with food.

"A meeting with the zodiacs. Complicated stuff, really. But I'm leaving you with someone." Leorio smiles. Gon's eyes glimmered into something like hope. Something like, finding a lost thing. It only made things harder.

Leorio's phone buzzed.

"Oh, and she's here." He answers the phone before going outside. 

As the door opens and Gon is in the middle of getting another mouthful of food, a woman enters the door. Tall and porcelain skin and sea eyes, through it all, Gon recognized her. Palm.

The next flurry of movements was too fast. Gon scrambled down his bed so quick that his tray slipped, luckily Kurapika caught it.

Gon hugged Palm like she was a lifeline. Tackling her so hard she let out a yelp.

No one talked, Palm was shocked. Her hands hovering over the shaking Gon.

Slowly she drops her hand to stroke his hair. 

"P-palm." Gon sobs. All his worries came around about her captured, or dead.

"Gon. It's been a while." They stay like that for minutes. Kurapika and Leorio only staring, understanding the weight of the situation.

"I'm so glad you're okay." Palm gives him a sad smile. Leorio notes that no one has yet to make a perfect fake smile in front of Gon. Not like this.

"I'm glad you're okay too." 

Gon introduces Leorio and Kurapika to Palm. And when the clock striked at 10, Kurapika announced their leave.

"Palm-san, please excuse us. We'll be leaving Gon to you. We should be back before sunset." Palm nods, Leorio says his brief thanks and they exit, leaving the room with a laughing Gon.

They get in Leorio's car. First thing he does is punch the steering wheel.

"Damn it." He hisses under his breathe, Kurapika closes his eyes. They stay like that for a while. Until Leorio breaks the silence. "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes." Kurapika answers simply. Once he made up his mind, there was rarely ever changing it.

"It'll take five hours to get there."

"Then you better start driving."

 

 


	4. almost home

 

**Light**

_two_

Alluka was asleep, breathing in patterns that signaled Killua he could leave her alone in her room now. He shuts the door behind him, the hotel room looked dim. The sun was setting, Alluka always slept from sunset to sunrise, unbelievably long but sleeping meant playing with Nanika for her so she does it as much as she can.

 

He checks his phone, not really looking for a message, but does so out of habit.

 

> _6:43 PM, June 28_
> 
> _1Message_

 

Killua squints and then opens it.

 

> _**Palm** : sorry about this. Im still watching over the two of you. Someone should come by to help_
> 
> _**Reply:** its okay palm. Enjoy yourself _

Palm had been helping taking care of Alluka, she was the perfect one because of her blue wink and clairvoyance. Today, she asked Killua if she could go somewhere. _Palm you're not our butler, you're a friend. Don't feel like you're tied up. Do whatever you want._ Palm had teared up at that, and gave Killua a sad smile.

Killua, mind now occupied by whom the someone Palm told him about almost didn't hear the knock on the door. 

 

"Who is it?" He asks.

 

"Friends." Killua rushed and opened the door so fast its hinges screamed. Kurapika and Leorio greeted him with smiles. Killua barely managed to hold it in, but biting his lip to breaking the skin stopped him from tackling the older men that stood in front of him.

 

Kurapika and Leorio didn't need to see it to know how much Killua missed them. He never was the showy one. 

 

Instead, Killua smiled, a genuine smile that felt like the good old days. 

 

"What are you doing here?" He demanded, smile still planted on his face.

 

"Visiting a brat." Leorio jests to which Killua tackles them. Into a hug. He couldn't help it, Leorio being like Leorio was too much. Kurapika being there was surreal enough. Changes have broken his heart, this normalcy was welcome.

 

"Damn it." Killua says, voice muffled as he presses his face on Leorio's chest. Leorio was on the verge of crying, Kurapika pats Killua's head.

 

"We missed you too."

 

 


	5. blue

 

 

**Oblivion**

_seven_

_"Sorry, Gon. Looks like we can't go back just yet. I'll see you tomorrow. Don't worry, I'll be here til Saturday."_

It was Wednesday night. Gon was fine with it really. He had Palm, and her stories. 

But like everyone else, she was like solving a puzzle in front of Gon while intentionally neglecting some pieces.

Gon thought, if everyone did, maybe it was for his own good. Maybe he should just ignore it...but his heart would hurt at that thought.

Palm was sleeping in the guest room now, where Kurapika stayed. Palm actually tucked Gon into bed, he pretended to be asleep, or tried to. It was midnight. Gon opened the curtains and the full moon greeted him in a cold hello.

 

The moon looked just like it...back then. 

"What...?" He thought he heard someone. Another scream. Inside his head.

 

_Gon..._

_Please..._

A sob, a cry, a plead. Then his tremors were back. His head snapping back as he received the blinding pain, Gon tried to concentrate, gripping his blanket to hold onto consciousness, biting his tongue to bleeding.

 

_Please, Gon._

_Don't go._

Then Gon fell, back onto the bed. Before he blacked out...he heard it, so clearly it was like someone was hovering onto him, whispering in broken  sobs.

 

_I don't...I don't want to lose you._

_eight_

 

He wakes up feeling like he did the last time. Only that it was ten times worse, he felt like he hadn't had a wink of sleep. Like having a rock hit your head. 

Ah, he remembers that one. Bisky trained them...to hold onto the rock while sleeping. Them? Gon couldn't...someone...but someone could. Someone could do it.

Gon screamed in agony and shut down his senses in reflex, he couldn't bear the pain. He wanted to remember but this pain was different. Like the missing he felt was worse, so much worse. It was the kind of hurt where you go weak, your stomach deflates and your eyes water. His fingers and toes felt heavy and his heart was on a marathon.

"Gon!" Palm rushed beside him, looking horrified as she saw Gon sweating and breathing hard, clutching onto the blankets.

"P-palm. I-I..." Palm stands dumb founded. What could she do? 

"I...it hurts. So much." Gon rasps. "I don't know why. But it does." 

Tears rolled down Palm's cheeks, but she held her sobs. She couldn't cry now. She has to be the strong one, the one Gon would rely on. The one who would say it was okay and he should just forget about it, stop thinking about it.

She was shaking instead.

"Gon," she swallows. "It's okay. Yes? You're okay." She leans in, hugging him. It was crazy, being this close reminded her just how young Gon was.

So young...and so broken. 

And yet, he's holding it better than anyone else. 

"Shh. I'm here. We're all here for you." _He's here for you._ She wanted to shout. But she bites her tongue, for a cause she's not sure is worth fighting for.

 

_nine_

"He wants to talk about it." Palm tells Leorio. "He says he'll hold out, and he'll tell us everything he knows so far." Palm tells Leorio over the phone. 

" _Tsk. Honestly. This kid."_ Leorio murmurs, _"Palm-san, please tell Gon that we'll discuss it when we get back there. This afternoon, we'll be back."_

Palm ends the call. After seeing Gon's first attack, Gon held out, suddenly telling her. "The voice said, he didn't want to lose me," Gon whispered, his hands were shaking. "I think...I was leaving him behind." It was the worst thing Palm had to watch through. Worse than watching the Ant King die with his beloved. This one, this one...was different. 

Knowing she could break Gon's troubles with just one word but the fact that she _can't_ was the worst.

Gon would suffer either way.

Gon would suffer if he tried to remember.

And Gon would suffer if he didn't.

Palm decides, Gon would want the former.

And that Killua, deep deep down wishes for it too. But his unconditional love for Gon blurs everything else but the goal to make Gon okay. 

Palm decides to give Gon a chance.

So she tells him, if he can hold it out, he can discuss it with her, Kurapika and Leorio.

The relief that came to Gon's face tightened Palm's throat. She had to excuse herself, just to not cry in front of someone who was having it worse than her.

Gon wanted to remember Killua.

And she wasn't going to sit around and prevent it.

 


	6. to lose

 

 

**Light**

_three_

 

 

Leorio cooked for dinner. Killua doesn't know how to, Palm cooked for him and Alluka when she was around and Kurapika hardly knew any recipes.

"How are you?" Kurapika asks him as they set down dishes for dinner.

Killua shrugs. "I'm fine, really." 

_Fine like I'm fine the bullet didn't hit any organs maybe._ Kurapika thought.

"Your sister?" Kurapika inquires the silver haired youth.

"Alluka? She's fine. She would love to see you both by the way. Always told her stories." Killua smiles, it lightens Kurapika's heart. At least there was one more thing keeping Killua together.

"I'm looking forward," Kurapika settles the final plate on the table. Just in time, Leorio sets the roast beef he got out the oven. Killua lets out a whistle.

"Old man, this is nice." Leorio gives him a look, to which Killua laughs.

"I'm serious!" Killua holds out his hands in defense before Leorio fist rubs his head. 

They eat dinner, laughing and teasing all throughout. Killua's cheeks were actually hurting by the point they're finished. It was either Kurapika's sarcasm doubled, or just the fact that he really missed them alot.

By the time the dishes are clean, Kurapika finally breaks the ice.

"We should," he starts, Killua sat across him and Leorio. "start talking about it." Killua bows his head and sighs.

"Guess we really can't avoid it." Killua says with a downcast face.

"No, I'm sorry." Kurapika replies.

Silence stretched.

Kurapika inhales air, as if it will lighten the mood. "Killua, we're sorry we—"

"No." Killua says in a finality. "Gon—" he bites his lip, grimacing. "We brought this upon ourselves. You don't have a single fault, both of you." 

Kurapika looks at Leorio, they decide to drop that argument.

"Then, will you tell us? What happened?" Leorio asks. This has Killua sighing, he was expecting but dreading the very subject.

"Yeah."

Killua tells them what happened on NGL, on Gon's fight with the Royal Guard Pitou, and healing Gon.

"What? You didn't know the consequence before doing it?" Leorio asks. Killua told him beforehand differently.

"No. I didn't. I just said that so everyone would get off my back." He sighs. "But yeah. I didn't know. When Nanika started healing him, Nanika told me that," Killua paused. "G-Gon, wouldn't remember me." Killua said his name like it hurt to say it.

"I thought you were an exception to the rules? To the exchange?" Kurapika asks.

Killua shakes his head, silver locks dancing. "I thought so too. But this was different, I guess. Since it was breaking another deal. Gon set a deal, in exchange for something to get something. So I think Nanika had to get something else to get back what he gave up." 

"Do you..." Kurapika says in a careful tone. "Do you hate Nanika?" 

"What?" Killua chuckles. "Of course not. It's not her fault, it's mine."

Leorio was going to speak, but Killua cut him off. "And how can I?" He says, tears brimming his blue eyes. "Nanika was there for my sister when I wasn't, and Nanika got Gon back." Killua swallows, his chest heaving, trying to not cry his eyes out in front of his friends. "If anything, I'm grateful for Nanika. I feel like that's one thing I can't ever repay." 

"Killua," Killua looks up at the blond.

"Come with us, we're going back to Gon tomorrow." Kurapika offers.

The offer had Killua's stomach twisting in knots, his hands numbed. The thought of seeing Gon again... 

Killua shakes his head. "I can't." 

"But you want to." Kurapika argues.

"...It doesn't matter what I want."

"Right now it's all that matters."

"I..." Killua leans in, burrowing his face on his hands. "I don't know what will happen if we try to make him remember." 

Kurapika leans to Killua's direction, not bothering to hide the slight annoyance in his voice. "Then what's stopping you?" 

"I can't lose him again." Killua says in an almost sob, not even sure if they heard him.

"At this state, you already have." Kurapika says in a flat voice. 

"Kurapika—" Leorio intervenes.

"No, it's the truth." Kurapika retorts bluntly. Killua didn't move or reply. "Killua, if you don't do anything you lose him anyway. Atleast try." 

"I did." Killua whispers, barely audible despite the deafening silence. "If this is what it takes to keep him around, I'll take it."

"You're being an idiot." Kurapika stands up. Fists clenched. 

"Kurapika, consider—" Leorio grabs Kurapika's hand. 

"Killua," Kurapika announces. "Believe me when I say that I speak for Gon when I say this." 

Leorio held his breath. This wasn't how it was supposed to unfold.

"You're his best friend, most of his best memories were spent with you. And the last thing Gon would want is to forget you." Kurapika clenches his fists, knuckles turning white. His emotions disarrayed, he blinks, trying to control the tears on eyes turning scarlet.

Killua sinks his head deeper on his hands. "It's...it's not that easy. I—"

"Blackouts, and headaches." Leorio finally speaks. Kurapika sits down, glancing at his hands. "That's what Gon gets. Because he's grasping on what memories of you he has left."

"What?" Killua asks in disbelief. "Memories left? He's not supposed to—"

"I know, but he remembers little by little. But he gets hurt, or loses consciousness if he tries to." Leorio looks at him with the most serious eyes Killua has ever saw on the man. Killua can't think of a single thing to say. His head hurt, his heart ran.

"I'm not trying to convince you. But if it would help you make a decision, consider it." Leorio straightens up, looking at Killua.

"Gon's heart didn't forget you."

Killua's reaction was more than Kurapika and Leorio could bear, he smiled then, it doesn't quite reach his eyes that were more white than blue now. Every ounce of Killua's being wanted to break down, to cry and tell his friends just how much he is hurting. But instead he smiles, not really knowing what to say. 

Deep deep down he knew what he really wanted. But Killua never really speaks his heart out, always putting others before himself. This time was not an exception.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to: [MurderBaby](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderBaby/pseuds/MurderBaby) for suggestions!! <3


	7. a name

 

**Oblivion**

_ten_

 

  
_"_ Are we sure about this?" Leorio asks Kurapika as they head towards the room Gon and Palm was staying in.

"I've never been sure about anything in my life, really." Kurapika answers in short breaths, they were practically skipping. Somehow there was this need to hurry to Gon. "But I know, this is the right thing."

"Yeah. Let's just take Morel and the others' scolding after it's done." Leorio laughs. He felt more alive now than those days he practically had to tell Gon all the time to not think about anything. Leorio took it as a sign that he was doing the right thing.

Kurapika opens the door to the room. And is greeted by the brightest smile yet. Gon, in his old outfit of green and orange was beaming. "Welcome back!" He skips to the two of them, vibrating with energy and excitement.

"Hey Gon." Kurapika greets, placing a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder. "You had lunch?"

Gon nods, "Yeah, Palm cooked for us. It was nice." Leorio gives Palm a grateful nod, to which Palm returns.

"Gon, we should get started eh?" Leorio tells him, it was now or never.

They never really reached a decision back at Killua's, but Kurapika left a ticket to YorkNew. And if Killua ever gets on the ride, he will arrive five hours from now.

"I have to hook you to some devices that will detect your body's behavior, alright?" Leorio tells Gon. Gon, suddenly sporting a serious expression, nodded and sat on the hospital bed. Palm stood like a shadow, watching and hoping, hoping.

After a while, Gon is now attached to numerous instruments he knew nothing about, a constant beeping resonated in the room. Everyone stood still.

Leorio clears his throat. "Okay, Gon. You ready?" Gon nods, and closes his eyes.

 

He drowns out everything. Taking himself back to the smell of death.

 

_He focused on that night. The night nothing mattered. The night he gave everything up for a moment of power. Just to get revenge, just to spew hate._

_He remembers his fist was coated with blood, blood not quite like his own. He didn't care, he pounded on flesh again and again, it didn't matter if the thing was dead._

_Then the night sky gets a little bright._

_Someone was walking behind him, calling his name._

_"Gon,"_

 

 

_eleven_

Gon grimaces, the first pain hits him like a bullet. He grunts, trying to hold himself together.

No one talks, no one stops him, it would be an insult to his determination.

Leorio was monitoring his vitals, and was ready to stop everything if it gets out of hand.

 

_He stops the rampage he was doing once he heard that voice, it was like a switch, waking him up from his reverie of killing and revenge._

_"Is that you?"_

_He turns around to face the caller. The only source of light that night. He couldn't see this other person's face because of the blinding light that resonated from the owner of the voice that has been plaguing all his nightmares and dreams, he thinks maybe he's a star. Gon felt warm, he felt a sense of home, a sense of sanity and wanting to say sorry._

 

_twelve_

 

"AAARGH." Gon shouts, Palm was running to him, Kurapika holds out a hand to stop her. Gon was gritting his teeth, gripping at the sheets like he was falling. Leorio was sweating bullets, his hand shaking. Kurapika was calm, composed, and only holding onto the hope that Gon can do it.

 

_He was crying, warm tears slipping from his tired tired eyes. The star made him feel hope, and regret, and happy happy things all at once. He looked at the star, face still hidden by light. The star stood unmoving, waiting for him to say something...anything._

_Gon uttered a word._

_No, a name._

 

He didn't know what happened next. His friends were shouting, everything  was overtaken by the pain he felt, his mouth felt raw from screaming. Gon was convulsing, biting onto his fist so he could keep his consciousness.

"Leorio!" He hears Kurapika over his screams. Leorio rushes beside him, holding his hands down.

 

The world turned black, with a single name tucked in his mouth.

 

> "Killua."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think that Gon's senses were so sensitive by this point that he doesn't even _see_ Killua, but he knows it's him.


	8. love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When you love someone, they become your reason."— David Levithan

**Light**

 

_four_

  
_"He said your name, Killua."_ Leorio tells him over the phone. Killua tightened his grip on the device.

"Maybe you misheard him." Killua replies, not allowing himself to cling on false hopes. On a universe where Gon is okay, and Gon remembers.

" _No. He said your name. We all heard it."_ Leorio says, his tone serious and waiting.

Killua bites his lip. What now?

"How is he?" He asks.

At this, Leorio sighs. _"Out of it. It's been three hours since. First sign of it he wasn't breathing, but when I hooked—"_

"What?" Killua exclaims in disbelief. "He wasn't breathing?!"

_"Yeah, but he's okay now—"_

"No. Leorio. He's going to kill himself!" Killua shouts over the phone. Careful to increase the distance between him and a sleeping Alluka. "I don't want this. Stop it right now. Tell him to not think about it. Tell him I'm dead, tell him—"

  
_"Killua. You think he's going to drop it? Now that he knows your name?"_ Leorio asks, composure kept at his tone.

 

"Tell him I don't exist—!"

" _No. I'm not lying to Gon._ " Leorio says in finality, telling Killua that he won't budge on that one.

"Godamnit Leorio! Are we going to just stand around and watch Gon kill himself just so he can sate his curiosities about little bits of—" 

" _This is what Gon wants. If we don't help him we'll be the ones holding the knife. "_ Killua grits his teeth.

"He's so fucking selfish. Everything—" Killua's voice stops at a sob. "—everything I've done for him he's throwing away." Tears rolled down his pale cheeks. He didn't know what he wanted anymore. His fist clenched, shaking, shaking, wanting to destroy something. Memories of having to watch his best friend give everything up was enough to keep Killua up for the rest of his life. He didn't want Gon to hurt anymore, he wanted him to live. Even if that meant...

_"Everything you've done for him he wants to **remember**_ _."_ Leorio reminds him. _"So he can thank you, so he can apologize."_

Killua doesn't answer, only sending sniffles and sobs on the other line.

Leorio doesn't talk for a moment, wishing Killua cried when he was physically there for him. Then maybe, he could bring a little comfort. 

 

Leorio sighs. _"Killua, people do stupid things for love."_ Killua knew that too well.

 

The line was silent, no one ended the call. Frequency and static buzzed. And finally, after minutes of not talking and holding all his hurt in, Killua speaks. 

"I'm on my way." It was stupid. Love was a stupid, stupid thing. If only stupid canceled stupid. 

Gon made up his mind.

Killua makes his decision.

 

They were moths flying into a forest fire.


	9. it has to be you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It is hard to stop loving the ocean, even after it has left you gasping."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long. Bumped into a wall with this one but finally had the inspiration(i hope) to finish this.  
> listened to Hyori Ittai Instrumental while making this chapter. ❤️

 

 

_thirteen_

 

Killua.

_Killua._

_**Killua.** _

 

Gon repeated the name for the hundredth time, each utter gave him a stabbing headache. He didn't stop, not when he was this close.

 

"Killua," he says again, toughing the pain out. He would hear laughter, distant and passing.

"Killua." he repeats.

 

_Hey, how old are you?_

_I'm Killua._

_That's so cool!_

_Hey Gon, let's race to the finish line!_

 

Gon's heart would feel like it was failing, beating in disorders. It felt something like, _how can you forget?_

_How can you forget?_

 

"Gon." Kurapika taps him lightly on the shoulder. "You okay?" Gon nods.

"Yeah. Pretty much." Gon answers.

"Gon," Kurapika says in a careful tone. He sits down on the edge of the bed, besides Gon. "I, do you want to remember? Killua?"

Hearing the name again, it sends a sharp sharp pain, like a needle being pushed down the very center of his brain. And screeching that rings his ears. Gon grunts. "Yes. I-I do." He manages to say.

"You do remember, right? Exchanging your nen and everything else for that power?" Kurapika states, not really a question. Gon nods. "Killua...he..." Kurapika clears his throat. "He did the same thing. In exchange for you to be back to normal, you lose every memory of him."

This has Gon tumbling back, his lungs felt like it had rocks on them. He was on the verge of losing consciousness again. "Gon!" He hears Kurapika shout. "Leorio! Gon-"

"N-no! I can-" Gon stands up, his legs wobbled, barely standing. He faces the wall, heaving in ragged breaths, no air seemed to enter his lungs. He punches the wall. This has Kurapika and Leorio stopping in their tracks. Blood trickled on Gon's fist. His head clears a little, he still couldn't breathe. His eyes were now losing focus.

He punches the wall, again and again until all he could feel was the pain on his hands. Crimson blood trickled down his arm and clothes. The pain was blinding and seared his senses. Gon focused on the pain on his knuckles then punching the wall once more.

He inhales sharply, air finally entering his desperate lungs.

"I-I'm okay." Gon says, bloodied and breaking a sweat. Leorio was paler than the white room, he drags Gon down to sit on the bed. "I'm okay Leorio." Gon swallows. Leorio clumsily rummages for bandages on the drawers.

"K-kurapika. Please, continue." Gon tells the blond who still stood unmoving. Kurapika remembers to move, to breathe. Sitting down on the bed again.

"Gon, are you sure about this?" Kurapika asks. Even he was faltering now. Asking himself if he was insane, to even think on offering this to Gon. Gon would definitely definitely say yes.

"Yeah. I want to remember." He pauses, looking at his bloodied fist. "I want to remember Killua."

Kurapika brushes his sleeves on his right arm, revealing chains wrapped around his thin fingers. Kurapika points his little finger, revealing his judgement chain.

 

"A favor for a favor, a condition for a condition. I'm going to use my judgement chain on you," Kurapika tells him, the chain glinting. "and set a condition, that you should remember Killua again," he pauses. "or you die." Kurapika sets his arm down. "It's the only way I can think of, Gon."

The way Kurapika said it was like he was bleeding somewhere. Leorio stood like he wasn't even there, eyes downcast from the heavy emotion he felt. The room felt like it was suddenly sucked out of all the air in the world.

 

Gon only nods.

 

    

_fourteen_

 

The chain stabs Gon, the impact pushing him on the metal of the bed's headboard. It felt nothing. Nothing compared to the pain of trying to remember Killua. Nothing compared to his heart drowning every time he tries to remember and doesn't. The action made Gon's head spin and tumble, like the inside of a vortex or a storm. His heart felt like it was literally wrapped in chains. Beating a constant reminder of: _remember, remember, remember._

 

"Gon?" Kurapika silently inquires. Gon slowly raises his head and opens hazel eyes.

 

Gon gives him a smile. "I'm okay."

 

And the way Kurapika's face contorted to a frown of sadness and how his eyebrows knit together, all emotions he tried so hard to keep inside to be the leveled headed in the group and to be the one who will always tell everyone _we're okay_ was crumbling down in front of Gon in a messy way. Kurapika hugged him, snatching Gon's shoulder and squeezes him like it was the last thing he will ever do. " _God._ Thank god you're okay. You're okay." Kurapika sobbed into Gon's shoulder. Leorio sat in the bed, slowly shifting the mattress on his weight. He places a hand on Gon's shoulder, tears streaming down his face.

 

 

_fifteen_

 

"We're okay." No one knows who said it. Maybe Gon, maybe Leorio, maybe Kurapika. But they were tangled in each other's warmth and sobs filling the air. It didn't matter. They we're okay.

 

 

 

 


	10. you are light

 

_One_

Leorio meets him at the port, a blue blimp was coming down.

 

Killua's eyes were the saddest they have ever been. He came down with Alluka, hand holding his little sister's.

 

Killua looks at Leorio, they exchange smiles and dark clouds above didn't waver.

 

"I trust Alluka to you, Leorio."

 

 

_Two_

Kurapika was in a car waiting outside a garden. Phone held up his ears.

 

"Okay," he switches it off. Kurapika looks at Gon, smiles at him and gives a slight nod.

 

Gon smiles back and opens the car door.

 

 

 

_Three_

Leorio waits inside a car with Alluka.

She was humming quietly in the back seat, feet swaying and smelling the air from the open window.

When she saw Leorio looking at her from the rearview mirror, Alluka gives him a bright, bright smile. Which Leorio returns.

 

He thinks if Alluka can smile like that, he should too. So he does.

 

 

 

_Four_

A maze, Gon realizes.

Hedges blocking the view of the other side.

On where _Killua_ was.

It was hard to take in.

Knowing everything he ever wanted right now was behind these bushes.

Gon almost wanted to just charge through. It took a lot of effort to not to.

 

 

_Five_

Alluka was singing a song now, something about sunshines.

 

"That's a great song." Leorio comments, hands on the wheel even if they were parked. He was smiling, basking in the innocence and pure happiness that Alluka resonated.

 

Alluka's cheeks turn to a shade of light pink, her eyes squinted from smiling. "Thank you, big brother taught it to me!" She says cheerfully.

 

"Your big brother is a really nice person, isn't he?"

 

"The nicest!" And Leorio asks her to sing it again, and Alluka does.

 

A sweet, almost sad song.

 

 

_Six_

Gon takes his first step into the maze. The grass shied away from his footsteps, the ruffling of leaves was the only thing he could hear.

Well, that and his heartbeat. It felt so loud.

 

_Where are you?_

 

 

 

_Seven_

Kurapika enters the car, sitting on the passenger seat. Alluka greets her with a toothy smile.

Kurapika could almost feel the way his heart tugged at the affection.

 

"Hi, you must be Alluka." Kurapika regards the young girl. Alluka nods, bangs bouncing.

 

"Yep! And you are Kurapika-niichan, right? And Leorio-niichan!" She says. Kurapika gives her a nod.

"Big brother tells me a lot about you both. And he's always laughing and smiling." The way Kurapika's expression shifted to something close to sorrow hurt Leorio. He grips the steering wheel a little tighter. "He loves you both a lot." The silence stretched. Alluka's smile turns into a concerned frown when tears slide down Kurapika's face.

 

"And Gon too, right?" Alluka looks down, but she was still smiling, the smile was dipped in sadness.

 

"Nii-chan loves Gon the most."

 

 

_Eight_

The leaves danced as Gon walked past them. He had the urge to run, and shout Killua's name.

He doesn't. He waits.

 

Until he hears footsteps the weren't his.

 

 

 

_Nine_

He comes out of a long stretch of a hallway, he stops. He hears the footsteps closer and closer.

 

Then, like lightning coming down from a tear-filled heaven, he sees white and white and white.

 

_Killua._

 

 

 

_Ten_

Gon chokes on a sob. He didn't even know what Killua looked like before all this. And yet, here he was.

A hundred feet away from him. And he was Killua.

 

_I'm happy when I'm with you._

_Let's stay together, Killua._

_Let's travel the world!_

 

Gon couldn't believe he didn't remember Killua's face. Because now that he sees him, he's all he sees.

And he remembers everything.

Killua's hair is white, it is silver in the moonlight. Killua's eyes are blue, they're midnight at dusk, and almost black at night.

Killua's skin is pale and even the sun is shy on kissing it. Killua's hands are thin and long, and sometimes sharp as daggers.

Killua's smile was always something timid, something reserved, but when Gon makes him laugh it was the biggest and brightest he knows.

_I'm happy you're here with me._

_I'm glad I met you._

 

He could see Killua standing frozen on the other side.

Gon doesn't remember when he started to run. But all he knows is everything is a blur.

And all he could see is white, white, white.

 

_If it isn't Killua I can't do it._

  
_It has to be Killua._ _  
_   


 

Like that night, the only source of light was Killua. The only light that kept him from being taken away completely.

The only thing that held him rooted to the ground, shouting his name in desperate tones in hopes of making him stay.

 

But he forgot. Gon forgot Killua.

But he was here, Killua was here.

 

_Killua._

 

"Killua!" The thunder rumbled. Gon's shout piercing through everything.

 

 

_Eleven_

"Nanika told me, big brother had to be taken away from Gon." Alluka tells them. "Nanika told me that their memories were the payment for the price Gon took."

"But it wasn't fair. Their memories were too much of a payment. It was like, an ocean in exchange for a drop of water."

 

 

 

_Last_

Killua stood aghast, couldn't believe that Gon was calling out his name. Gon tackles the air out of him, hugging him so tight he couldn't breathe. They drop to the ground.

 

"You-you remember?"

 

"I do." Gon sobs on Killua's shirt. "I do. I'm sorry."

 

"Gon-"

 

"Killua I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I forgot. I'm sorry it took me so long to remember I'm so sorry." Gon lifts his face.

 

"It's okay Gon, I-"

 

"And thank you. Thank you for everything. I'm glad I met you, I really really am." Gon bows his head, his tears dripping on Killua's cheeks. "I really, really am." He whispers.

 

Killua's throat tightened. His own tears mixed with Gon's. He swallows a sob.

 

"Gon," he begins. "Will you...will you say my name again?"

 

"Killua." The name felt right. Felt like the whole world just fit into where it belonged. The dark clouds retreat, like the feelings that held on them for too long. Despair and sorrow washed away by the sheer unparalleled joy that Gon felt.

Killua being here, beside him and breathing was all that mattered right now.

 

Killua was light.

 

Killua has always been his light.

 

And Gon's not looking away this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lot of things might not make sense especially on the exchange on the conditions and such. kurapika undid how gon was hurting (when he tried to think about killua) by setting his own condition(gon will die if he doesn't remember killua), therefore cancelling it(gon hurting) completely...(I'm so sorry if this is confusing) all I thought was 'equivalent exchange'. nanika only took what gon's power was worth...meaning Gon wouldn't forget killua completely, it will only hurt to _try to remember killua_. and kurapika negated that part by setting his own condition in place of the old one
> 
> lastly if u managed to finish this fic of a mess, I salute and thank you :)


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